Fear

Fear: concern or anxiety; solicitude

I was reading a post on one of the adoption boards about fears experienced during the adoption process. I was tempted to post a reply only to realize that the current fears are mostly different than the fears when starting our process. Since we are in the middle of the process, this post will only address those fears up to the current stage.

Our first concern was how a child/children would change our relationship. We are soul mates and extremely close, now for over 17 years. We weren’t sure if we would be able to share our time on such a level that an adoptee would require. Without having the ability to have any bio children of our own, these were untested waters. We did spend a lot of time with our nephews and niece, but this we knew is different than having a child of our own. What we did share was a love of children and a growing need to have our own; to raise and nurture, to love and be loved, to teach and be taught by. We decided that our relationship was such that it allowed us to bring children into our lives and we would stand together, all of us. And so our adoption journey began, pushing aside any fears of change that will happen.

The fear of a failed adoption is still quite real after we experienced a failed attempt at a stateside adoption. We don’t have a strong need to adopt an infant (many others want it therefore we left it to them) so we started the process for a special needs child/children in Nevada. To make a long story short, everyone who went through the classes with us did not adopt due to different problems with the process. The local process has changed, but we weren’t willing to put ourselves through that process again. Also, the thought of having a birth parent suing for custody of our children steered us to international adoption.

How were we going to pay for an international adoption? Was our place of residence appropriate for raising kids? Without yet deciding on a country, we started saving money in general. It wasn’t a conscious decision for adoption, but the purpose was guided by a future adoption. We needed a larger residence that could accommodate us all so our purchase was larger than what we currently needed but adequate for a larger family. So we started saving again specifically with an adoption in mind. A small inheritance from my father allowed us to boost our savings to a point where we could now seriously look at IA adoption.

With those fears alleviated, it was time to choose a country. Ukraine always tugged at our hearts so we started doing the research. Ukraine had its own problems; corruption, unstable process, language and culture to name a few. It seems that the unstable process was our first hurdle. When we were about to move forward, Ukraine closed the process down. We looked at other countries but decided to wait awhile to see what is going to happen. We preferred the idea of a blind adoption for fear of attaching to a picture and profile only to have that child not being available for us (for whatever reason). By choosing Ukraine, we alleviated that fear and changed it for an uncertainty. Their process is on and off again, but we are now entrenched in the process so there isn’t any need to fear as we’re now just going with the flow. Though many call it corruption, we call it a difference in culture which can be resolved with money and connections. Our own country has expediting fees, the difference is that we post the costs up front. This is where the “who you know” is important and we feel we found a facilitator that we can depend on without nickel and diming us to the poorhouse. Language and culture are always a fear so we are addressing this. I’m learning some Ukrainian and Virginia and I will work on Russian together. I’ve read what I can on Ukraine but there is nothing like being there; soon enough.

The largest fear was actually related to the health of the children in Ukraine. We are ready to handle children with moderate problems, both physical and psychological. For awhile, RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) was our strongest fear. What can we do with a child that will not attach and has little regard for those around them. FAS/FAE (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Fetal Alcohol Exposure) is a strong concern as are so many other labels that many of these children have. I find that education has alleviated many of those fears as each has a way of being dealt with. It may take extra patience, love and a different parenting style but all can be dealt with in time. Are we going to get a perfect child (whatever that is)? In a word NO. But together, we will overcome whatever issues come up and bring these children up the best we can with whatever resources we can use. It’s not uncommon to have a Ukrainian diagnosis to be falsified by an American doctor. It’s also common to have conditions that are not diagnosed by the Ukrainian doctors so these fears are real and still exist. I’ve looked back at my childhood and realized that if I had grown up today, I would probably have many labels applied to me, and I came out OK (according to my wife).

Our latest fear is whether or not we made it for this year or not. We are caught up in some bureaucracy and waiting for word. If we missed this year, then we’ll have to redo some paperwork and submit for 2008. It’s an inconvenience and would have additional costs but not insurmountable. We’ve waited this long and will wait however long it takes to complete this process.

Together, and with prayers, we will prevail. Fear serves a purpose as long as we don’t let it control us. Each step presents its unique problems and fears, and each fear has its own solutions. Through fear, we’ve learned so much more than when we started this process and through education, fears have been alleviated or diminished. We hope that through education, your fears and apprehensions can also be alleviated.

Nesting

First, no new news yet. Our paperwork is in limbo in Kiev. It's been translated but there were some issues with technicalities with a couple of forms. These were corrected awhile ago and just waiting to get word as to what our status will be.

NESTING

I've been reading the boards and blogs for nearly a year now and never did understand what PAP's meant by nesting. Now I understand. For me, it's easiest to think about what birds do in preparation for their young; create an environment that's conducive to raising their young, a nest.

Well, it appears that we've been nesting for awhile now and just didn't realize it. Several years ago when we were shopping for a house, we purchased one that would fit the family we had in mind. We're in the middle of fixing up a room for the kids. Since we don't know what we'll be getting, we are prepping one of our rooms for both kids. If we end up with a girl and a boy, then I'll convert our home office/computer room into a second bedroom for the kids. This will eventually happen anyway.

The room is being painted a light lilac and could be considered gender neutral. We've been shopping for beds but we're going to wait and get some input from the kids. Currently we have a day bed with a trundle that will work till we buy the furniture. I have to say that we're having a ball doing all these nesting things. I never thought shopping could be so much fun.

We both enjoy playing computer games when we can get the time to play. The last gaming console I owned was the Atari 2600. Well, we decided to get a gaming console that the whole family could participate in, we bought a Wii. I think Nintendo did a great job creating a family gaming system. It's not a hard core gamers system like the XBox 360 or Playstation 3, but it excels at group play (up to 4 players). The real test will come this weekend when we visit my brother-in-laws family (6 kids) in Portland. This will let them test drive the system with their family and I'm rather curious as to how they'll take to it. My nephew is a gamer so I expect he may not be overly impressed with the graphics, but he may get caught up in the game play as both Virginia and myself have been. We're having too much fun with the Wii.

No doubt there will be so many more things that we'll end up doing as the time grows nearer. For now, we're just doing what we can as time permits. This helps to pass the time as we wait.

Thanks for dropping by :).

Halloween

Happy Halloween.

Not much is happening. We had to expedite some paperwork changes today, but still in a holding pattern.

We've been tagged by Christine so here we go:

Job's We've had in our lives:
Virginia
Security (Casino and Hotel)
Bookkeeper
Office Mgr

Chris
Gas Station Attendant
TV Repair
Electronic Tech
Casino Security
USAF - Played with things that go boom
Computer Network Architect/Admin

Places We have lived:
Virginia
Maryland
Kentucky
Colorado
Missouri
Texas

US
Nevada
New Mexico
California
South Dakota
Germany
I never realized that we've moved around this much. Could be because both of us are military brats.

TV shows We like to watch:
Virginia
CSI, any of them
Dancing with the Stars
Law and Order
Any Forensic Shows
Are your being served (British)
Eureka

Chris
Usually some History, Travel and National Geographic channel.
Occasionally South Park when I'm waiting to go to sleep
Eureka

Places We've been to:
US
Too many to list but not enough to make us want to stay at home.

Favorite Foods:
Virginia
Chris' Spaghetti
Bratwurst mit Brotchen
Pizza
German foods (She was starting to list a bunch)

Chris
All food, I love to eat. Just don't tell me what's in it till after I've tried it.
I don't do broccoli.

Books We've read in the last 5 years:
Virginia
Too many. Favorite authors are Brian Lumley, Steven King, Raymond Fiest, Robin Cook

Chris
Raymond Fiest, Fantasy and reference books. I read what catches my eye.

Things We enjoy:
Virginia
Spending time with Chris
Crafts - Crochet, Beading, Embroidery, etc.
Rock Hounding
Reading and TV
Diet Sprite

Chris
Spending time with Virginia
Browsing the Internet for information
Photography and Photoshop
Rock Hounding
60's - 70's music
Diet Coke

I'll have to look around to see who to tag; can't think of anyone off the top of my head.

Real quite Halloween as usual. We don't get anyone at our door or on our street for that matter.

Awareness

The more I learn, The more I realize the less I know.

Awareness is empowering unless you get too much in too short of time. I can’t begin to tell you how many hours I’ve spent trying to learn all I can in preparation for this journey. Especially in the early stages of research, I would get discouraged thinking of all the things that could go wrong. All the costs, all the conditions that the children may have, all the paperwork that has to be nearly perfect to be accepted, all the closures and foreign laws that can effect the progress, all these and more tugging at a question, why? Then I read a story of a family that brought home their angel, pulled from the depths of institutional care, becoming a family in the end. Then I wonder why I asked why.

This turned out to be a rather long intro to some links from where you can find more information. There are so many more resources that I’m unaware of, but I hope these links will help the newcomer. Please don’t hesitate to let me know of others that would be helpful here.

I’m currently reading “Attaching in Adoption” by Deborah Gray. It’s so much more than just telling about the issues that many children have, but describes human nature and some ideas on how to deal with these issues. Our society loves to put labels on everything it seems. When I look back at my childhood and analyze it, I could probably put many labels on my behaviors that would scare the hell out of me if I was adopting myself (silly thought). My better half would say that I came out just fine. Ms. Gray does a good job at showing examples, what was done and the outcome. I’m enjoying the book immensely.

There are a couple of boards that I like to visit on a regular basis:

Frau (Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoptons) chat

http://www.frua.org/

Yahoo Group Adoption_from_Ukraine - Membersip

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Adoption_from_Ukraine/

The web sites are just too numerous to put here, but here are some to get you started:

USCIS - http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/uscis

US Embassy in Kiev - http://kyiv.usembassy.gov/amcit_adoptions_eng.html

Ukraine Adoption Blog - http://ukraine.adoptionblogs.com

AdoptLove blog - http://www.adoptlove.com/blog/

US Dept of State - http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/country/country_369.html

A site listing more sites - http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/international-adoption-adopting-from-ukraine.html

Each site will lead you to other sites which lead to others ad nauseam.

One last resource that shouldn't be overlooked is a state/county run foster/special needs adoption program. We went through 36hrs of class for a local adoption in 2001. The sights we saw were very disturbing and others we reassuring and opened our eyes to many things that we hadn't considered. It's an invaluable resource for us, even after so many years.

I’ll have a blog list on this site once I get around to it.

Cheers and happy hunting J.

Post Adoption Depression

This was something that I had gleaned from earlier searches, but now holds more meaning now that we are looking at travelling. The reality of the adoption is much more real now that the dossier is in country, plenty of money spent and just a volume of time expended to get here. I'm not going to rewrite what's already been written, but I will provide a few links that I've found useful.

Don't let this information discourage you. The reality is that each adoption is different because all the individuals involved are different. This information is being presented so that you can be aware of what may happen and know that if it does, you are not alone and there are ways to get through it.

http://international.adoption.com/foreign/psychologist-post-adoption-depression.html

http://www.rainbowkids.com/expertarticledetails.aspx?id=272

http://adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=470

There are many more sites, but these should give you an idea of what PAD (Post Adoption Depression) is and how to identify it.

I hope this helps.

Timeline & Problems

I've been watching the Ukraine adoption drama unfold for some time. Once I saw the SDA (Ukraine agency responsible for international adoptions) accepting new dossiers again in Dec '06, we decided to move forward with our adoption journey. We spent a bit of time on the Internet researching agencies and facilitators. We contacted a few and decided the best answer for us was an assisted independent adoption.

Once we decided on an agency and probable facilitator, it was time to get into action. It was now time to find out what all this "dossier" stuff was. From the list, it appeared the home study would take the longest. Unfortunately, my business had me traveling through March into April; so we applied April 10th for the home study. Two years ago, there were numerous agencies in Northern Nevada that did home studies; now only Washoe County performed these in our area. Our packet arrived and we started collecting all the required paperwork. We completed it in early June and was scheduled for the in-home interviews in July. Timing was still not a problem since they said the home study could be completed in about a month (early August). This didn't happen since it seems the background check got lost in the process. The home study wasn't delivered to the USCIS until September 4. A whole month was lost, OUCH!!

Going back in time just a little, we knew that we could submit our application for the I-600A to the USCIS (formerly the INS) before the HS (home study) was completed. The background check for the USCIS could take several weeks so we submitted our application on June 27th. We were hoping that the fingerprints for the background check would be taken while we waited for the HS; no such luck. I was informed by my agency that Ukraine's quota was filling up and we needed to speed the paperwork up and try and get it in by the end of Sept. I went to our local USCIS office to expedite our application. After filing paperwork explaining our situation, they let us get our fingerprints for the background check on the following Wednesday (12th) without an appointment.

On Monday (17th), Virginia contacted the FBI fingerprinting/background section and spoke to a real person. This person confirmed that the fingerprints were received on the 12th and the background check was returned to the USCIS on the 12th (same day). From what I've read, the FBI gives priority to adoption and arrest checks. Tuesday, I was in the USCIS office trying to find out what the holdup was. The front counter agents were always courteous and helpful, though I know they were tired of seeing my face 1-2 times a week. One of the ladies looked up our background checks and printed them out. She explained that our folder would be adjudicated which could take 2-3 days. After two more visits to the local office with no status change, I was notified by mail that there was a problem with the HS. It took over a week for me to receive the letter; more time lost. Time is running out and I'm not getting much cooperation from the USCIS.

The HS was fixed and resubmitted very quickly. Our SW with the county sympathized with us and did what she could to expedite the HS. I visited the local office again and requested to pick up the I-171H when completed in person to help speed the process. I was denied the request as it's not their normal procedure. It was time to kick up the pressure a notch or two. We contacted our Congressman's office and requested help in this matter. They contacted the local USCIS office on Monday morning; I received a call Monday afternoon that my I-171H was completed and I could pick it up on Tuesday morning.
Note: Thank you Amy for the Congressman's information and may God speed your journey to Guatemala for your daughter :).

I already had all the docs back from the agency so I could get them apostilled ASAP. After picking up my I-171H, I drove to Carson City to have the docs apostilled. Well, I couldn't afford a same day expedite on the docs so I opted for a 24 hr. expedite. I sent the docs via DHL which takes 3 days. Well, I had missed a single doc in the original dossier, so off to Carson City again to repeat the process. This time I did a 4 hr expedite. Once again, the workers pitied my poor soul and got it back to me within an hour. Back to Reno and on to DHL again. This doc only took 2 days (1.5 days actual time) to get delivered; that's service.

Note on Nevada apostille expedite fees. If you don't need expediting (7-10 business days), the cost is $20 for each document. A 24hr expedite is $75 for each different notary of which I had 7 plus the apostille fee of $20 for each doc. See how fast this adds up. The 4 hr. expedite is $125, 2 hr. expedite is $500 and a 1 hr. expedite is, hold on, $1000. Now, I've read plenty of posts about whether the additional costs to expedite docs in Ukraine are fees or bribes. Does it really matter when the results are the same. For me to expedite my files, I took precedence over the normal processing of apostilles which I paid dearly for. The lesson here is not to get yourself into a situation where you have to expedite docs. If you do, then expect to pay for the privilege of faster processing. Just a reality check here.

Costs

Costs will vary widely depending on who you use and what services are available in your area. I will not list costs for the agency and facilitator. Not only do these change with time and services provided, but it also varies between agencies and facilitators. This post will not be all inclusive but should give you an idea as to the general costs which depended upon our situation.

Home study conducted by Washoe County Child Protection Services. They were the only game in town. $3600 - Ouch!! The highest I've seen other than ours was $2000.

I-600A $755 which included fingerprints for 3 people.

Physicals and Lab Work were mostly covered by insurance (we got a break). $70

State Background Check $150 (for 3 people)

Apostille Docs $400 ($20 for each doc with a notary)
Expedite fee for apostilling docs (24hr) $570 (Time was critical)

DHL shipping (3 day) of docs $98 x 2 shippments = $196 total

Let's not forget the misc costs such as redecorating the rooms, travel to chase down docs, time off for appointments and doc chasing. Our costs for here are nearly over unless we need to redo some of the docs.

Costs still needing to be paid:
-Travel to and from Ukraine -- about 3-4 thousand
-Facilitator
-Living expenses in Ukraine -- don't have a clue
-Bills while we are gone and not earning any money -- way too much but we need a roof when we get back

Preamble

Hopefully a short blurb on how we got to where we are.

We've been looking into adoption for quite some time. In 2001, we tried a local adoption which did not go through (county/state switching roles, lost paperwork, etc.). When we decided to go international, Ukraine became our first choice. We liked the idea of a blind adoption so we wouldn’t get attached to a file and picture. For us, this makes the most sense. Years went by as we moved into larger quarters to handle children, better jobs to afford the children (and adoption) and awaited the on-off again requirements for Ukraine.

There is a timeline along the right side which will lay out the events since we started this journey. We didn’t rush in the initial stages because we didn’t want to travel before September (due to SDA closures). The wait for our I-171H is what pushed our timeline beyond September.

We decided to go independent but use an agency (About A Child) for the dossier prep and overall help in getting this journey completed. We had some issues with the Home Study and other documents that has made this money well spent. The only agency conducting home studies located near us was Washoe County Child Protection Services (gov’t org). I’ve yet to see any HS cost as much as ours, but we didn’t have much of an option.

I want to thank many individuals who’ve donated their time and energy into helping with our adoption journey. Unfortunately, the open internet is not a good place to put up a lot of names so I’ll find another way to acknowledge them.